Divorce Letters

Dear Wife,

I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.  I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.  These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
 
Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
 
You don't tell me you love me any more; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife.  Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more - whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

PS: Your sister and I are moving away to The GOLD COAST!  Have a nice day.
 
****************************************************************
 
Dear Phil,
 
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
 
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.  Too bad that doesn't work.  I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!'  Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
 
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers - I turned away from you because the $49.95 price tag was still on them and I pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.  So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.  Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a cent from me.  So take care.


Signed,
Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!

PS: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.  I hope that's not a problem.

Back to top

Jigsaw Puzzle?

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." 

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." 

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. 

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." 

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh, 

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box." 

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. 

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table,
and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.   

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they
could find a place to turn around,  in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve
her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded  his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just  wouldn't let up for a single minute. 

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.   As the woman got out of the car,
and hurried inside to retrieve her  glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card". 

80  What did the zero say to the eight?   "Love your waistline!"

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, the relatives came to visit.  "May we see the new baby, one asked?"  "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can talk for awhile first."  Thirty minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"  "No, not yet," said the mother.  After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"  "Not yet," replied the mother.  Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"  "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.  "WHEN HE CRIES!" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"  "BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him !!"

STRESS !!!!

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. 

Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father.  You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful.

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.

You are extremely stressed, but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your three kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS !!

Back to top

Singer, Colin Parrish, told us this story at the Christmas Social:

A couple were on the way to the church to get married when they had a car accident and were both killed.  They arrived at the pearly gates of heaven and during the entry process they explained that they were about to be married when they were killed.  They asked, "Can we get married in heaven?"  The entry clerk told them to wait and she would find out.  The couple waited and waited.  3 months passed and eventually the person returned and said, "Yes.  You can get married in heaven".  Just to be on the safe side the wife-to-be asked, "What about divorce.  If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in heaven?"  The entry clerk exclaimed, "It took me 3 months to find a priest and now you want me to try and find a lawyer?!"

Back to top

It all began with an iPhone

March was when my son celebrated his 15^th birthday and I got him an iPhone.

He just loved it.  Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod.

September came by so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.

ZEN TEACHINGS

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.  No one is listening until you fart.

4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog.  Some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse.  Then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Back to top

At the marriage counselling session, the facilitator asked Giuseppe - who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary - to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The facilitator responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.

The second is a Old Age Pensioner.

Back to top

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.  It had been at least ten years and twenty kilograms since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'

And then the fight started...

Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"  Husband replies, "Only you, darling, with all the others I was awake!"

And then the fight started...

More "And then the fight started..." jokes are below !!!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!   That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen!  Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

  GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. You need all the preservatives you can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Back to top

Helmut's Jokes from 2010's AGM

Exercise for people over 50:

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.

With a 5kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms out straight from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, then put them down and relax.  Each day you will find that you can hold this position for a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10kg potato sacks.  Then increase to 20kg sacks and eventually try to lift a 25kg sack in each hand and hold your arms out straight for a full minute.

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each sack.

Patton is drunk again:

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.  He tiptoed a s quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.  He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night, weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror !

Back to top

And Then The Fight Started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.  She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' 

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

After I retired, I went to the Centrelink office to apply for a pension. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my pension application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Centrelink office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got a disability pension, too.'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'  'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  "I'll have the T-bone steak, medium rare, please."  He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.  She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...

I tried to talk my wife into buying a slab of beer for $29.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started...

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.  Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.  The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He injured his knee on the ground, ran through the hedge and got to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the car and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.  The wind was blowing at 80 kph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started...

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'  It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.  'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'  'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'  She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the boat, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.  When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.  I was gone only a few minutes and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...

Back to top

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the erudite scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, much to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

The Health Department has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.

Get help immediately.

Back to top

Back to top

Dinner Dance Joke Competition
27^th October 2009

 Jack's joke:

A burglar broke into a house one night and shone his torch around looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus is watching you!"  He nearly jumped out of his skin.  He turned his torch off and froze.  When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head and continued.  Just as he pulled the stereo out and began to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you!"  Freaking out, he shone the torch around frantically looking for the source of the voice.  Finally in the corner of the room his torch beam rested on a parrot.  Did you say that he asked the parrot?  "Yep", the parrot confessed, then said, "I am trying to warn you that he is watching you."  The burglar relaxed and asked, "Who in the world are you?"  "Moses", replied the bird.  "Moses!" the burglar exclaimed.   "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"  The parrot answered, "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."

 Myra's joke:

A six year old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.  The father being modern and well schooled in handling children hid his smile.  "That's a serious step, son", he said, "Have you thought about where you're going to live?"  "Yes", the boy replied, "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.  It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."  "How about transportation?" the father asked.  "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles", the little boy answered.  The boy had an answer for every question the father raised.  Finally in exasperation his Dad asked, "What about babies?  When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."  He said, "We've thought about that one, too, Dad.  We are not going to have babies.  Every time she lays an egg I'm going to step on it."

 Jean's WINNING joke:  (Read by Morrie)

 The Journey of Man

When I was fourteen, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.  When I was sixteen I got a girlfriend but there was no passion.  So I decided that I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.  In college I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency.  She was a 'drama queen', cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed some stability.  When I was twenty-five I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.  When I was twenty-eight I found an exciting girl but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous thing and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially, very energetic but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with real ambition.  When I turned thirty I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground so I married her.  She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.  I'm older and I'm wiser now and I'm just looking for a girl with big tits !!

John's joke:

Pat and Mick are walking along the road and they run into Shawn.  Shawn's got two flags in his hands.  They said "How did you get the two flags?"  He said, "I've got a job.  I'm working on the road gang.  I went up to the office and they gave me an interview and I got the job."  "How did you do that?"  Shawn said "They just asked me two questions".  "And what were the answers?" Pat asked.  Shawn replied "One was 'half blind' and the other was 'totally deaf'."  So Pat goes along to the office and asks for a job and gets asked two questions:  "If you put your hand over one eye, what would you be?"  He said "I'd be half blind."  "OK.  Well, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"  He said "I'd be half deaf."  The Foreman said, "That's OK.  Your answers are right".  So Pat goes outside and Mick asks, "What are the answers?"  Pat replies, "Half blind and totally blind."  Mick goes in to the office and the Foreman says, "I've got two questions for you.  If I cut off one of your ears, what would you be?"  Mick answers, "I'd be half deaf."  "Very good", the Foreman says.  "If I cut off the other ear, what would you be?"  Mick answers, "I'd be totally blind."  The Foreman enquires, "You mean to say if I cut off one of your ears you'd be half deaf and if I cut off the other one, you'd be totally blind.  How's that?"  Mick explains, "Well, if you cut off the other one I'd have no ears and my hat would fall down and I'd be totally blind!"

Graeme's joke:

With apologies to anyone who has worked for a local Council.

Dave and Charlie were sent out to do a bit of repair.  A traffic sign had been bent by a car and one of the posts had been knocked out.  They needed to be stood upright and painted.  So they drove out to the worksite and after spending a considerable amount of time, Charlie said to Dave, "Dave, I reckon it's time for 'smoko'."  "OK", said Dave, "We'll go and boil the billy."  So they start walking towards the spot where they'll have morning tea.  Charlie's walking along and suddenly he goes 'chomp' and squashes a snail.  Dave says to Charlie, "What did you do that for?"  He said, "That damn thing has been following me all morning and it's gone passed me twice."  So while Charlie is making a cup of tea, Dave picks up a paper and there is a Crossword in it.  He says to Charlie, "What is night rate?"  Charlie replies. "Time and a half; double time on the weekend."  "Oh, then what's a cubic foot?"  Charlie says, "I have no idea but if you claim for it you'll get 'compo' for sure."  Dave says, "I'm doing a Crossword.  This is serious.  There is another clue here.  What are two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Gor, blimey," says Charlie, "Hang on, two days that start with the letter 'T'?  I've got it.  Today and tomorrow."   With that the phone rings.  Charlie has a chat and says to Dave, "We've got to forget the cup of tea.  The boss wants us to go into the local town square and measure the height of the flagpole because the ropes been pinched again and he needs to know how much rope to buy."  So they jump in the truck and off they go and they get to the town square.  Charlie says to Dave, "What do you reckon?  How high?"  Dave says, "I've got no idea.  No idea at all.  What say we undo the bolt at the bottom and lay the damn thing down and measure it?"  Charlie said "Don't be daft, the boss wants to know how high it is, not how long it is!"

Bill's joke:  (Bill was the judge, so this joke did not count in the competition.)

Two Irish blokes had been mates for nearly 40 years.  Mick lay on his bed dying and he calls his mate over and says, "Paddy, you and I have been mates for round 40 years and as you know I got very little time left but there is one thing I really care about and that's my case of the finest Irish malt whiskey.  You and the whiskey have been my only true friends all throughout my life.  So what I want to do is ask a big favour of you.  When they put me in the ground would you get those last twelve bottles of whiskey and sprinkle them over my grave."  Paddy choked back a tear and he took his mate's hand and said, "You can rest assured I'll do that Mick but do you mind if I pour it through my kidneys first?"

Jim's joke:

Footy Fever

Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.  When it is clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.  One day Mike says, "joe, we both loved footy all our lives and we played on Saturdays together for so many years.  Please do me one favour.  When you get to heaven somehow you must let me know if there's footy there."  Joe looks up at Mike from his deathbed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years.  If its at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after, Joe dies.  At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike, Mike!"  "Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly.  "Who is it?"  "Mike, its me, Joe."  "You're not Joe.  Joe just died."  "I'm telling you it's me, Joe," insists the voice."  "Joe, where are you?"  "I'm in heaven," replies Joe.  "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.  "The good news," Joe says, "is that there's footy in heaven.  Better yet, all of our old friends who died before are here, too.  Better than that, we're all young again.  Even better still, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows.  And best of all, we can play footy all we want and we never get tired."  "That's fantastic", says Mike.  "It's beyond my wildest dreams!  So what's the bad news?"  "You're in the team for Tuesday."

Back to top

MY LIVING WILL 

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

At the AFL Grand Final a man makes his way to his seat. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.  He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.  'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'  'This is incredible', said the man.  'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for Grand Final and not use it?'

The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.  I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.  This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'

'Oh ...  I'm sorry to hear that mate. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'  The man shakes his head, 'No, they're all at the funeral.'

Back to top

A blonde died and went to heaven and was met at the gates by St. Peter.  St Peter said to her, "We have a bit of a rush on at present, however there are three questions you must answer before I can let you through.  I'll give you the questions so that you can think about them and save some time and tomorrow you can give me your answers".  "The questions are: How many days of the week start with the letter T?  How many seconds are there in a year?  What is the first name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

Next day St. Peter approached the blonde.  "Well, have you given the questions some thought?"  "Oh yes", said the blonde "there are two days in the week which start with the letter T - today and tomorrow".

St. Peter sighed.  "Very well", he said, "How many seconds are there in a year?"  "Oh that was the easiest", the blonde replied "there are twelve".  "Twelve?" St. Peter said.  "How did you calculate that?"  "Well, there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of March...".

St. Peter said, "I'm really letting you off lightly but you must get the third question absolutely correct.  "What is the swagman's name?"  "Andy", the blonde replied.  "Andy?  How did you discover that?"  "Easy - And 'e sat, And 'e watched And 'e waited 'till his billy boiled." The blonde passed through the gates with no further comment !

Back to top

Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.  "Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.  "There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.  "Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."  The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"

"That's right," he called back, "two pints."

Q. What is white and smells like blue paint?

A. White paint !